Vicious Bikers

Cherry Bomb, in an act true to VB nature, is still not allowed to post on the blog. Here is a post, authored by him……….

Things change, people move on.  WOP V was no different. For once the VB’s website went silent for 3 weeks after WOP V, no blog, no chit chat, no smack talk, no beat down.  A simple email about the course profile was all that was posted.  Humbled? Perhaps. Confused? by the new pecking order, it is possible.

Until April 12^th, the same day the Civil War started, the once dominant Choppy, finally posted his version of events of WOP V.  Well it is time to set the record straight, what really happened at the front, from someone who was there all weekend long, the CherryBomb.

It started as any other VB ride lots of chain greasing and polishing of bikes, thinking that would squeeze out a few more mph’s in their morning event.  Confusion over where to go and turn, Warlord taking out a few cohorts with everything, but his riding skill. 

The turn was made onto 215 and the girls should I say the VB’s needed to take off their panties, jackets, etc. So CB and Dead Toad ride slowly, yes so slow, Dead Toad was not dropped, need I say more.  Ever so slowly, waiting for the others to join up for the fateful day of Choppy’s demise.  The group rejoins with Choppy looking a bit how should I say, skeeerred.  Yes, Choppy only you and Cherry Bomb knew how close it was last year, 2008, 45 sec, on the first climb, then you pull over to gather your boys on the overlook at the second climb as Cherry bomb prepared to counter.  Fast forward to 2009.

So the group whittles down to 3, with Muzzin pushing the pace, not the oh so fearsome Choppy as many may of thought.  Still skeered, you bet!  Muzzin, an old schooler to the bitter end, blows himself up, with only Choppy and Cherry Bomb left to climb side by side.  For those of you that have not seen it, Choppy does suffer, breathes hard(breathing so hard that Cherry Bomb barely hears Muzzin yelling 100 yards aways as he closes on the duo), and tries to grab the jersey of Cherry Bomb to break his rhythm.  Never showing his card Cherry Bomb holds steady as the Chopster does 3 standup attacks going to a bigger gear as he tries to gap the old man.  Each time the gap is closed by CherryBomb.  THEN IT HAPPENS a never before seen event in the history of VB dom. Did you hear it??  Phil Leggett roaring from the mountain top, “the rubber band has snapped!!”

 Choppy blows up, body parts everywhere, Cherry accelerates putting an easy 20 seconds on the used to be, has been, as the new victor marches to the top.  Yes, a 45 year old, 180 lb triathlete, flatlander(there are no hills in Charleston); takes down a 35 year old, 140lb self professed master cyclist.  Makes you cringe just thinking about it, doesn’t it???

Not willing to give in, the Chopster, Muzzin and a few others try to run home down the hill, but even then the Cherry Bomb and his new sidekick Cannonball, aka Cottage of Wattage reel them in at the finish.  Dead Toad taking the sprint finish, thanking Cherry Bomb for not crushing him earlier in the day at the panty zone.

The funniest moment of WOP V was when NID pissed about his ride and utter lack of fitness after tax season, decides to drag his bicycle home, only to be saved by a few friends that saw it dragging behind the car in a shower of sparks…..

Day 2

Rumors fill the house that alliances are being formed to take down CherryBomb.  Tylenol litters the house as the VBers try to recover.  So another day beckons, and CherryBomb takes it out hard.  The group separates again to the strongest 3, Muzzin, Chopster, and CherryBomb, just before they turn left at the church.  Warlord stops for a quick prayer, as Cannonball, roars by, the Devil clearly rising in his legs.  Attacking again and again, the Cottage of Wattage tries to unhinge the cooly coifed one, piano legged, never stop smack talking,,,,Warlord.  He will not be denied, and Warlord tries to stay with the group, harassing the eager attackers, until yes as a good Cat 4 sometimes does, he throws his chain.  3 of the VBers nearly have to quit, almost falling off their bikes due to laughter. 

Then the ageless one,  Muzzin, attacks, and forces Cherry Bomb to cover the front the last few miles up to Holbert’s Cove.  Choppy is hiding,,,yes behind Cherry bomb.  Then the ride explodes as Muzzin takes a 30 sec lead into the climb and Choppy pushes on in eager pursuit 15 sec later.  Seeing no one to aid in the pursuit, and still laughing at the Cat 4esque move of Warlord, CherryBomb marches up the hill, 2 switch backs later, there’s Muzzin, 2 more there is Choppy, never giving up, our former valiant hero.  Cutting every switchback, utilizing his stand up attacks for all he is worth, redemption in his gunsight.  Cherrybomb hangs on, defiant as ever, knowing he has closed the gaps.  He waits for it to happen again, switchback to switchback, up, up they go, 20% grade.  2 turns to go, and yes, CABLUEY, SNAP, POP!!!  Where is Phil Liggett when you need him.  Ever the classy one, CherryBomb spins by to the stop sign, not wanting to further damage the fragile young man’s ego.  But yes, you heard it heard it before, let me repeat it for those at home, a 45 year old, 180 lb triathlete, flatlander drops the 35 year old 140lb master cyclist…Others amble up the hill, Muzzin a worthy 3^rd(next years pick for dominance, the man has an engine), Lukie(3 weeks post marathon),  Warlord( he has his chain back on), Cannonball, Dead Toad, King, and NID. 

The order changed that fateful March weekend, but still the dominant talk is of a guy named Street, that used to ride with the VB’s, all those present are left with the prior days vision of a man curled up on the side of the mountain, panting, broken, forever etched in their memory. 

  Next year Choppy will be lucky to get fourth behind Cherry, Muzzin and Lukie.

Ok, enough said, you can DQ me now Warlord. 

Out for an easy ride on Saturday afternoon, the elite VBs, LL and Street, came across Coach Sundae and a group of young sippies in tow. The group was clearly filled with awe when we turned around and deigned to allow them to ride with us. After turning around at Leesburg, we headed back to Hartsville Guard and Hilton Field. Little Muzzito, channeling his dad's antics, sprinted up the last hill on Wildcat while we were deep in conversation. He paid dearly for that little attack later. On Hurtsville Guard, LL attacked early and hard - I know what you're thinking and I was astounded too but I swear it really happened – and he destroyed the sippies.

Only Coach Sundae and Street stayed with him. LL tried to attack again near the gate but Sundae and Street responded with ridicule and punishment was summarily meted out. Still, LL was, yes, as difficult as it is to say it, stunningly, impressive. And the sippies, extremely unimpressive. A new year, new group of sippies but more of the same: VB domination.

Little did we know that Street's sub-par St. Pat's 5k performance was just the beginning of the end. 

Next, came WOP V, where Street…………….well Choppy said it so well, I will not repeat, although I do often think about it when I am looking for a happy spot.

What has not been reported……….yet, but will, is that Street was so scared on day II, that he went home, yep, bailed rather than suffer a Day II beat down.

This morning, this Day II bail, repeated itself, a pattern?  On the famous hill route, which is broken into Part I and Part II, Street started to suffer on Part I.  WarLord dropped him…………hard.  Street then muttered something about needing a Quick Mart and he started running towards said Quick Mart……………..yet there was not one in the direction he headed.  We lost him, we waited 5 min and left.  On the end of the run, about 200m to go, Street joined us again, "feeling really fresh".  What happened?

Pisgah NC,

Day 1 of WOP V set out in the midst of some of the best weather ever experienced for this yearly stage race.  The true hard men that gathered from 3 states included:

LL, King, WCC, Street, Lukie, NID, Cherrypie, Power Grainger, Muzzin, and the original Fat Toad. 

The riders returned to the original route, out 61 to the brutal ascent up 215, across the parkway, and then the snaking descent down 276 to the most famous Mexican food restaurant in Pisgah.  The field set out in unusually rapid fashion, with the visiting riders Cherrypie and Power Grainger feeling particularly squirrly.  Cherrypie was wildly yelling comments like "I drank beer last night you weenies, and I'm not stopping for any bathroom breaks" while beating his chest like a gorilla in the wild (or Kong at work).  Despite the early reindeer games, the group pulled back together just in time for LL to make a typical Magellanesque manuever of attempting to turn onto the wrong road from the middle of the pack of riders.  Despite the general poor bike handling of the majority of the group, no riders went down from LL's ill-timed brain lapse.  This move, however, definitely put an early bite into the psyche of King, and Street, the two VB's with the highest penchant for greeting the pavement with their faces.  LL continues to deny the allegations that this dimwitted move was an early tactical strike at his rivals.  After this, the men regrouped and reached the bottom of 215 for the typical call of nature……..

Cherrypie, being an extremely angry and grumpy man, was unhappy with this break and broke code to attack the group during this stop.  Fat Toad followed, knowing full well that gravity would render any gap mute once the road kicked up.  Cherry, however, pedalled with all the rage of Kim Jong Ill after being informed that Fine Imported Whiskey was just added to the list of economic sanctions.  Several riders who were heeding natures call calmly waived at Cherrypie with a perfunctory single finger salute.  After a rather harsh acceleration, the group set out and finally reeled in the two "attackers".  As the men regrouped, however, a quick survey revealed several important things:  1) NID was off the back, prompting the group to slow up for the gravity challenged former Texas Crit Town Hall Champion 2) Street's face looked a pasty white, clearly affected by the rapid accelerations in the early going that don't suit well with his robotic riding style 3) King was going to the front an repeatedly (stretching his back, coughing, taking off warmers, any other thing that could possibly slow the pace down) typical King antics prior to popping 3) Muzzin was cackling like a giddy schoolgirl and babbling comments about this not being nearly as painful as a shampoo bottle….4) Cherrypie was still angry, almost instigating a fistfight with LL.

Peace was finally found and the group had a relatively calm several km's before the base of the longest part of the ascent.  As the road turned back up, the selection quickly set in.  Cherrypie, WCC and Muzzin formed a small select group.  Street joined the group for about 0.2 microseconds before drifting back with the rest of the also-rans.  Muzzin pushed the pace for the first 2-3 minutes.  WCC came to the front and indicated he would do his turn at the pacemaking, but Muzzin could not hold the wheel and drifted back into noman's land.  It had quickly become a two-dog hunt with the rest left for the typical fights within the fight. First for the action at the front.

Cherrypie and WCC battled neck and neck for several km's, trading pulls in succession.  At one point, WCC jokingly pulled on Cherrypie's jersey pocket, underestimating the pure rage built up in the big man.  He quickly lashed out with a verbal assault of explitives and mistakenly read this as weakness on the part of WCC.  Cherrypie launched an attack, trying to shake the 3 time WOP champion to no avail.  WCC countered with three stinging attacks that drew similarities to some of Bettini's finest moments in the saddle.  Cherrypie continued to claw his way back, however, and a momentary truce was struck by the duo who returned to trading pulls.  This peace was momentarily disrupted by a shrill from behind that can only be compared with that of a howler monkey in heat.  Muzzin had gotten the duo back in eyesight, and instead of sneaking back up on the duo, spouted off (from about 50 yards back) "I'm coming for you bit@#$s".  This prompted the duo to pick up the pace once more and leave the tiny figure skater for good.  Back at the front, the lack of training miles began to set in on WCC as the top approached and the elastic finally snapped with about 2 km's to go from the top.  Cherrypie opened up a gap of about 20 seconds.  WCC made a last ditch effort to keep his undefeated status, with a late surge, but Cherrypie responded and hung on for a well deserved first place at the summit.  WCC finished back 20 seconds and Muzzin came in another 40 seconds behind WCC.  Now back to the best of the rest….

Back in the pack, a competitive battle was unfolding between Street, the odd's on favorite going into the day, who openly chided the rest for months about how "I've never cracked on the bike" and "it would take a really bad day for me to finish anywhere near you", pulling away from Power Grainger, Lukie, LL, Fat Toad, and King.  About half-way up the hill, however, the wheels came off the Street bus.  The Cramps set in, the likes of which have not been seen since Iwinski's famous Fab 4th meltdown, and he began moving backwards with each pedal stroke.  One by one, the rest of the group passed him, first Lukie, having a particularly strong showing, then Power Grainger, and then adding insult to injury, LL went by.  LL was later quoted as saying, I thought I saw I (and smelled) another huge dead fish in the middle of the road, but when I got closer realized it was just Street.  LL blew by, mocking Street.  At that point, the fallen warrior dismounted his bike and started downward facing dog on the side of the road while doing strange Shakra chants in an attempt to channel some additional energy from the mountains…….it didn't work.  As the first trio waited at the top, to their surprise Lukie came rolling up in 4th (yelling "Husky That Beeyatch" as he came to the top), with Power Grainger Close behind in 5th (cleaning the sweat off his top tube).  LL then came up in 6th place with a smile so wide it looked as if his mind was drifting back to his freeloving days as a skateboarding idol in Delaware with his bevy of skate beauties following the long haired, wooled sock wearing phenom around.  Close behind was an incredible showing by the Fat Toad, who had spent the previous two days riding in the Mtns.  Street barely edged out a clearly out of shape King for 8th place with King in 9th, hacking and blowing snot as he hit the summitt.  As bad as King sounded, however, Street looked much worse.  Both physically, and psychologically battered, the big man resorted to laying down on the side of the road, curled up in fetal position, searching for the warmth and protection of the womb……it would not be found.  NID picked up the rear, diligently charting all the data from the days climb with his Garming 89000000 supercomputer that was just released from military classified protection.  After a couple minutes, the group set off for the rolling hills over the parkway, and a fast descent back towards the Davidson River Campground.  The group then headed for lunch to refuel for Day 2.  Report to follow later.  The unspoken question on everyone's mind, however, was whether Street could recover from such a huge blow to return triumphant on Day 2, knowing that Day 2 is normally LL's domain……..

Here are links to the two race courses as recorded by my cycling computer (Garmin 305). I have designated them as viewable by non-members, so no log-on is required. Since only the truly brave VB's participated this year, I am providing this so that the wanna be's can live vicariously through these links to see the portal to power, not to be confused with the cottage of wattage although he did do the ride this year. I know anyone who goes to these links will enjoy reliving this epic race. Take time to look at the different viewing options not the least of which is the playback view.      http://trail.motionbased.com/trail/episode/view.do?episodePk.pkValue=7864554 and    http://trail.motionbased.com/trail/episode/view.do?episodePk.pkValue=7864553

Kinda hard to tell what will happen this weekend, as the VB’s are not very fit, even less fit than normal. Therefore, there will be a bloodbath.

Top honors? Who knows? Choppy thinks he will get it, but many are talking about another North Korean beatdown. Well, Street is.

Street? He could crash………several times……..on his own.

Muzzin? This could be his year, lots of secret training going on, lots. He will take down Street, but can he hurt Chops? We sure hope so.

PowerGrainger? maybe if we do a flat crit in the parking lot after the ride.

King/WarLord, the great VB duel. WarLord has taped “Who’s your Daddy” on his stem.

Punk, Fat Toad and Lukie, pretty sure they will make it to the top.

CherryPie, he will DNF, again. I explained to one of CherryMuffin’s old riding Buds (lets call him David Anderson) that he was DNF’ed last year cuz he only drank one beer and you you must drink more than 4 to start. David replied, “if he drinks more than 2, he will pass out, he is a wuss, always was.

To the Tune of Bohemian Rhapsody….

Is this just 215, is this just fantasy.

Caught in my Big Ring, no escape from that damn Choppy.

Open my eye’s, look up to the skies and seeeeeeee.

I’m just a fool boy, I've lost reality,

because I'll never get, up this hill.  I'm talking to NID, to get some pills.

Anyway I train it doesn’t seem to matter for meeeeeee, for meeeeee.

Choppy, just dropped this group.

He does it every year, even though he’s overgeared.

My compact , couldn’t save my a$$.

I’m ready to throw my carbon bike away……..

Momma, ooohheeeeiiiooooooohhh.

Once again I’m going to cry. 

We’re going wake up and I'll have to relive this tomorrow.

Oh Day 2, maybe Day 2.  On Day 1 I don't even matter…….

Breakdown, to Victory has come.  Once again it was just breakdown, barely even took King down.

Streetball ugly as he rides, left me hanging for dead. 

Gotta leave my a$$ behind I hope he wrecks (decent chance).

Momma, ooohheeeeiiiooooooohhh

I don’t want to die, I sometimes wish I’d never rode a bike at all.

I see a little silhouette of a bike,

Is it Chops, must be Chops, dropping us just like last year.

Legs that do the fighting, very very frightening, see.

West Coast Chopper, West Coast Chopper, West Coast Chopper, West Coast Chopper, West Coast Chopper there he goes.

Magnificoooooohhhhh.

I’m just a slow boy, nobody loves me.

He’s just a slow boy, from a slow, sort of team.

Hair like his wife, hides his monstroncity.

Easy come, easy go, think I lost my mojo.

It’s my cabin guys, oh please just let me go, let him go

My cabin guys, oh please just let me go, let him go

Please just let me go, let him go.

We have to let him go, go, go, go, go.

The date for WOP V is now set and the fear is starting to set in.

FatToad – appears to have broken his own ankle. Years past he has broken his own bike, and no one took notice.
Punk – moved to some place in the midwest.
Lukie – move to some place in West Virginia.
Street – has returned to his 3-a-day workout plan, run in the morn, B-ball at lunch and bike in the early afternoon with Choppy.
Choppy-is trying to act “real busy”, don’t forget, Choppy is the #1 bail-boy when it comes to WOP, he has bailed 2 times, out of fear.
King-has gained lots of weight and is asking about the old “Geddings Plan” for day one.
CherryBomb-is making secret plans with Lukie…….let us know how that one works out for you.
PowerGrainger-started getting his stuff organized several weeks ago.
NearDeadToad-please post a picture so we will know who you are.
NID-will be in Mexico the next 2 weeks.
Muzzin-has declared war-Tonya Harding style-on Street.
NatureBoy-may have to pick apples with the family.